Log in

tall girl from amsterdam [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

(no subject) [Aug. 7th, 2006|11:29 am]

i'm back
in shelburne
staying at steve's for a week till next monday

i have no phonenumbers whatsoever so call steve if you wanna talk/hang out/bitch whatever. ill prolly see you at fiddleville tho:)
link5 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Jun. 5th, 2006|12:34 am]
i hate regretting the one thing i once wanted him to do so badly.
it's a feeling i finally admit and it sucks.
link3 comments|post comment

(no subject) [May. 27th, 2006|09:59 pm]
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |missy higgins im all for believing]

wow this week has been weird. i had this big -fuck-i-miss-you-guys-attack. It was actually, very good. ill be honest, i havnt thought about all of you a lot lately. there has been a lot on my mind, especially with my parents.. i think no one of you really knows about this except steve.. it was, well, very bad. i was about to just run away and never come back, because they kept forbidding me things that made no sense such as: -no computer, -no phone(as in, hand in your cellphone!) -no work, -no friends in the house, and never you to friends, - no sitting in your room including boyfriend: and later it even became: no more boyfriend in the house, and youre not going over there either.

wow so yeah i was having major i hate you forever period. same for them. my mom said i wasnt her child and that she raised a bitch and all that, and that she wished i never went to canada cause apparantly it chanched me forever. fuck. canada was about the happiest period in my life. and then it all calmed down a bit and i talked to my parents. right now, im very good with my dad, truelly, we are reasonable and friendly and communicative. my mom... well it s still a mess. she said she was leaving the house and wanted to live on her own because she hated me so much and because i was all the pain in her life. and maybe still am. i don't know, but she is not leaving anymore. she is just ignoring me which is a little weird but whatever...

And other than that im still happy and in loove with my boyfriend. yay:D i really feel good around him, he is safe and honest. i dont think there's anyone who makes me more blissfull than he does.. i can be me around him, and he makes me feel beautiful and loved, and i love giving him the same feeling, i love telling him how im fascinated with his smile and his eyes, and the skin on his back, and his thoughts and his voice. i respect him for his way of thinking, which is completely different from mine, but always so much smarter. as in.. if i do something i want to, i just do it and honestly dont think a second about any consequences, about anything that could happen or go wrong. i just do it because i feel like it... and with this im getting myself in a lot of unnesecarry troubles. and whenever im with him, he can make me see the other side. he shows me how it could also be, and this always makes total sense but i just didnt thought of it! and his stories and thoughts and fears interest me and make me wanting to understand everything about him. and when i dont see him i really miss him around, i cant get him off my mind and its wonderful, i love spending a whole day doing nothing but looking at his pictures. now after 4 months, im really attached to him. (i mean, with jake i was attached faster than i should have been, because it hurted me in the end.. and then with wieger it is a little scary, i dont wanted to get hurt so badly again.) and i trust him in not hurting my feelings. i hope he never can so as jake did.. i dont think he will. the difference is that jake never cared about me and i think wieger does.. but why am i even comparing them? thank god they have nothing to do with eachother and are not alike in any point, lol.

so yeah i cleaned my room and run through all this stuff of canada,( the 'canada'-drawer,lol) and i felt this hollow feeling inside. a little miserable, sad, empty. it's too long ago to remember someones laugh, and that makes me sad. it went exactly as i thought it would, slowly fading away, and only the fact that i KNOW it was awesome makes me try to remember and catch some of the good stuff that i went through. and the feeling that i have everyone in my heart, makes me holding on to you all. and it;s good... its not as heavy as it was.. before christmas i didnt wanted to be where i was. and that, is a terrible feeling, i hate it. i just wanted to go back SO badly, wow you cant even think about it. it's intense, lol. and now i can look back at it without pain, peacefully. just going through pictures i can see now that i left it behind me. it was a great time, the best, gold(lol steve, THIS PICTURE IS GOLD!) and looking back at it, it doesnt make me cry, but smile. because i know you'll always be in my heart, always. and even if i never see you again, which is most likely to happen, i want you all to know that there's someone at the other side of the world who is very tall and has red hair, who will always remember you with a good feeling, who will always capture you in her heart.

well enough of that.
i have to go to a movie, the da vinci code it is, (just came out here)

i miss you.
link2 comments|post comment

(no subject) [May. 27th, 2006|05:18 pm]
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[music |corpse bride theme song: victor's piano solo]

this is the very hilarious picture i found of steve today. and yes, he is indeed drinking TEA.

i miss you steve! come back!

other than that.. ill be back this summer for sure, booking my flight next week. Very excited!!

(ps steve, my parents ARE coming to canada, we sort of had a good conversation and theyre going to new foundland. my dad REALLY wants to go to Fiddleville, but im not to sure if thats such a great idea.. of what i heard about it.. well let me know if fiddleville would be something my dad does not want to see)

link1 comment|post comment

and how i will not meet you whenever i get there [Apr. 19th, 2006|08:53 am]
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |sound of white-missy higgins]

Like a freeze-dried rose, you will never be,
What you were, what you were to me in memory.
But if I listen to the dark,
You'll embrace me like a star,
Envelope me, envelope me...
If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me to before you went away -
If only for a day.
If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me back to the tune
We played before you went away.

And if I listen to, the sound of white,
Sometimes I hear your smile, and breath your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white ..
You're my mystery. One mystery. My mystery. One mystery.

My silence solidifies,
Until that hollow void erases you,
Erases you so I can't feel at all.
But if I never fell again, at least that nothingness
Will end the painful dream, of you and me...
If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to
Before you went away, if only for a day.
If things get real for me down here, promise to take me back to
The tune we played before you went away.

And if I listen to, the sound of white
Sometimes I hear your smile, and breath your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white
Sometimes I hear your smile, and breath your light.
And if I listen to, the sound of white.

I knelt before some strangers face,
I'd never have the courage or belief to trust this place,
But I dropped my head, 'cos it felt like lead,
And I'm sure I felt your fingers through my hair...

And if I listen to, the sound of white sometimes
I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white.
The sound of white,
The sound of white,
The sound of white.
linkpost comment

SPRING HOW I LOVE YOU=D [Apr. 7th, 2006|09:50 am]
[mood |excitedYAY SPRING]
[music |dancing cheek to cheek-ella fitzgerald]

the common mayfly has a life expectancy of one day
but is he miserable about it?
not one bit 

he fills his day with the things he loves
he soars,       
   he swoops,     
he savours every moment 

maybe there is a lesson in this for us longer living creatures
just think if we would live life like a mayfly
what a life that would be

make the most of NOW

link1 comment|post comment

(no subject) [Feb. 27th, 2006|08:53 pm]
[mood |hornyhorny]
[music |throw me a rope-KT tunstall]


i'm back. I havn't been here for the longest time. Partly because steve's here and i don't feel like updating as much, partly because of wieger.

mmmm wieger. as to say my bf. i like him a lot. he's different than anyone i've seen before and different than you'd expect. he makes me calm, horny, happy, smiling, and that all mixed up together. He's sweet, caring, funny, handsome. he makes me blissful. I'm still scared to get hurt. Especially about summertime.. i'm coming back to canada(4 weeks, yay!) and after that i'll (prolly) go with coba for 2 weeks. that means i won't see him for 7 weeks which is an awefull long time.. And that scares me. I'm scared that he'll dump me right when i start caring. Which is now. I'm starting to care, really care. And i don't wanna be as crashed as i was 3 months ago... i truelly don't. Plus i can't even imagine not having him around( since we're in the same classes, same school, and he lives in the neighboor i pretty much see him all the time.. drives people/steve, i'm sorry buddy,lol\ crazy, but i'm just sooo into him) and yeah, he makes that i forget everything else.

cause what else was there, used to be there, is jake. was jake. of course. but i don't think about him anymore. and if i do... it doesn't stir any emotions. i'm fine. If i think about him i'm more like, yeah. idk, i'm not happy, not sad, not angry. just numb. It's just this person i used to love. i got to a point of not caring anymore. Except for last week, at one point i had a big crash down... i just.. arrgh got so mad at him again. just because he ruined things for me and i hate him for treating me the way he did. I'll never forget him. i'll remember how good it was, how bad. and yeah, that's where the story ends.

Wieg just went to prague for a week. missed him like crazy. had an awesome vacation tho, did much crazy stuff with steve and hung out with coba a lot.

I want you between me and the feeling i get when i miss you,
but everything here's telling me i should be fine,
so why is it so, it bothers below that im missing you every time?

i got used to you whispering things to me into the evening,
we followed the sun, and it's colours, and left this world,
it seems to me, that i'm definately, hearing the best that i've heard,.

so throw me a rope, to hold me in place,
show me a clock, for counting my days, down,
cos everythings easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
cos i feel alone.

and whenever you go it's like holding my breath under water,
i have to admit that i kinda like it when i do,
oh but i got to be, unconditionally,
unafraid, of my days, without you,

so throw me a rope, to hold me in place,
show me a clock, for counting my days, down,
'cos everything easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
whenever i'm falling, you're always behind me,
come back and find me,
cos everythings easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
cos i feel alone

i'll add more later.

link2 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Feb. 10th, 2006|02:03 pm]
[mood |enthralledyay:D]
[music |jim brickman-freedom]

so i'll update all of you quickly.

steve just arrived:D i'm so glad to see him, i gave him the biggest hug in the world, lol. he's really tired tho, he didn't drink any coffee(idiot) and right now having a shower.

this is going to be so good, i can't wait to show him around. he's gonna love it.

link1 comment|post comment

this one is for you, shoebox lmao hahhahha(jkjkjkjk mwuahh) [Feb. 8th, 2006|07:53 pm]
[mood |amusedamused]
[music |bohemian sunset- st. germaine]

okay, so i promised to put a picture online..

making pancakes, love it:D (do pay attention to the mess in the back tho)

it isnt a clear pic really.. and i got a hotter one but that one is to big to put online(damnit) but yeah, this is wieger :)



other amazing point:

steve's coming in 2 days... wow!!


steve, i hope you have an amazing last day of school.. get pictures, pictures pictures... (oh my last day, all those hugs and people signing my flag.. it made me cry) don;t cry tho steve, your a man lol


<3 spring is coming



linkpost comment

(no subject) [Feb. 7th, 2006|07:12 pm]
[mood |weirdweird]
[music |beatles once again]

ok i feel odd. i was having a bath(which is my new invention... i used to have baths all the time as a kid, like, i never took a shower till i was 12, and now im into them again:D) and i stood up to grab my cellphone to call wieger, and i was standing with the phone in my hand and then i saw little stars.. the next thing i remember is my dad tapping my sholder saying
"are you alright?! can you talk?!"

i passed out. just there, in the bathtub. it was soooo odd! like, i just can't remember a single thing between me grabbing the phone and my dad's face! And apperently i was like laying half in the bath flipping my eyes and i fell on the side of the bath... now my face is all swollen and blue on one side. i feel odd and shaky.

im okay, but it just freaks me out that i can't remember a single thing! i had the weirdest dream while i was gone tho.. i was like in another world and i was trying to sell wieger something. i can't remember what i just know he wouldn't buy it and i walked on try to sell it to other people, but no one was interested, till i met this weird animal sort of thing, like a rabbit but than bigger and he did buy it and then i only know i felt soo happy! but like.. i only passed out for like what, a minute? but i dreamed all that! soo odd!

anyway that's it. i look swollen. bah.
link16 comments|post comment

bored so why not [Feb. 7th, 2006|09:28 am]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |beatles=ticket to ride]

[ ] my fingernails/toenails are almost always painted
[x] during the summer the only shoes i wear are mostly flip flops
[ ] the only reason i go to school is for the boys!! duhh!
[ ] my favorite toy as a child were barbies and dolls polly pockets/ barbies!
[ ] my favorite color is pink or purple
[x] when i was young i danced ballet....
[ ] i looove skirts!
[ ] hollister/abercrombie is one my favorite place to shop
[x] tight jeans are the only jeans i'll wear
[x] i love chocolate!!!!
[ ] my hair is straightened or scrunched and worn down like every day
[x] i am on MSN atleast 5 hours a day
[x] i have at least 8 myspace pictures
[ ] i usually go shopping once a week
[ ] i love to hang out at the mall with friends
[ ] i have a real diamond ring or diamond earrings
[ ] ive had atleast 10 boyfriends
[ ] i've gone to a tanning salon
[ ] i go to the beach to tan - not to swim
[ ] i have atleast 10 pairs of shoes
[ ] i watch either the OC or Laguna Beach religiously
[ ] i change my icon weekly
[ ] i would NEVER step foot into Hot Topic
[x] my cell phone might as well become a part of me
[ ] i wear eye liner, mascara, or cover up everyday
[ ] i've been or am on a diet
[x] bathing suits are adorable!
[ ] i dont know the difference between a sheep and a goat
[x] big sunglasses are hot
[ ] i have gotten my nails done
[ ] i own over 10 purses
[ ] MTV is my favorite channel
[ ] all i do at sleepovers is talk about boys, boys and more boys!
[x] i love to have other girls do my hair and make-up
[ ] i dont understand how people can like Fall Out Boy, From First to Last, System of a down, and all of those other crazy bands!
[x] i love to give and recieve hugs
[x] i hate bugs
[x] carnivals are very fun
[x] summer is THE best season
[x] i am self concious
[ ] i cry often
[ ] i dont do sports
[ ] i HATE to run
[x] i squeal when i am suprised or angry
[ ] i dance allll the time
[x] i usually spend over an hour to get ready to leave my house
[ ] i only have like 5 billion hair products
[ ] preps are the best guys welll part prep
[x] i love to get dressed up
[ ] every part of my outfit needs to match
[x] i talk on the phone atleast once a day to my friends
[x] would love to have a photo shoot of myself
[ ] one of my myspace pictures is of me making a kissy face
[ ] price on clothes hardly matters
[ ] i apply lip gloss 200 times a day
[ ] i wish i was a model
[ ] i wish i could meet Paris Hilton!
[ ] i have been something that was semi slutty on halloween
[ ] i own Uggs
[ ] Hip Hop is the best music
[ ] i pop my collar what?
[ ] i like to be the center of attention
[x] mohawks arent cute.
[ ] horses are beautiful but i would never ride one
[x] i'd rather not pay attention in school
[x] i've gotten detention for talking
[x] cats are adorable
[ ] tall dark and handsome are the only guys i look for
[x] i write poems or my own music
[x] i love it when a guy wears good smelling cologne
[ ] i can get very jealous
[x] i would love to visit Hawaii
[x] Valentines day is so cute!
[ ] white is better then black
[ ] i wouldn't be caught dead in all black
[x] my closet is STOCK FULL of clothes
[x] i hate the grunge look of a beard - must be clean cut YES
[x] i like to read gossip magazines
[ ] i love to gossip!
[ ] my friends and i are in a strict group.
[x] i kiss and tell!
[ ] old ladies are adorable
[x] i LOVE kids
[ ] i'm all about being vegitarian
[ ] i refuse to eat at Mcdonalds
[x] i check my myspace everyday..or lj
[x] i LOVE life!
[ ] i have a lot of jewlery!
[ ] my screen names have x's in them
[x] either one of my myspace names has <3's in them
[x] i would never want to be a guy!
[ ] i love doing yoga

you're done! now go count up your X's and write that as a %


i'm such a guy, lol.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Feb. 3rd, 2006|03:57 pm]
so a random post. i feel like telling a whole lot about this one guy but i guess i'll keep it all for myself and my diary, lol.. cause you all don't know him and my dutch lj friends don't like him.. but yeah, i'm really filled with bliss. it's exciting and new and amazing. that's all.

a picture? not this time. just use your imagination.
link2 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Feb. 1st, 2006|09:25 pm]
i met his parents.
link1 comment|post comment

"this is my house, my rules" screw you [Jan. 29th, 2006|07:14 pm]
[mood |pissed offpissed off]
[music |the poetry man-stevie ann]

my dad is a total ass. So, here's the thing. Next year our school is taking part of an exchange program to St. Petersburg. This means that in may 2006, a russian girl will live in my house for one week, and then september 2006 i'll go to St. Petersburg and live there for one week. I was amazed by the idea and i'd so love to go there! like, traveling is my passion, my dream and my goal. it's a once in a life time oppertunity, cause when am i ever gonna live in a russian house again?! But then.



my dad's like: no i don't want anybody in this house because Steve has already been there and i just don't want it. I said But dad, it's only for one week and i never get to go there again ever and... and he's just like: i dont wanna argue about it, no means no.My house my rules and blablabla and he just started shouting and scared the hell out of me.



* it's the last schooltrip from my high school ever

* i didn't went on the last schooltrip cause  i was in Canada

*all my friends will go, And then ill just be sitting home alone... while they're having the time of their lifes

i fucking hate this so much.

Lynn, lisa and me in the water of Pieces of Midas <3 i love this picture, good memories


link5 comments|post comment

crazy new thing, you make me feel like a little girl again [Jan. 28th, 2006|08:31 pm]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]
[music |in the waiting line-zero 7]

so as for last night..it was interesting. good, fun, sweet, hot, cold and mostly new.

i love new

so here a few pics

my brother and i... last winter... i got to say we look sort of cute, lol, you wouldn't say we fight everyday


coba! prettypretty girl <3 love this picture


i'm excited. scared.hopeful in a way. idk what to think at all

Do you believe
In what you feel
It doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real



link4 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Jan. 26th, 2006|09:44 pm]
so sometimes i just wonder, how do you figure out if someone is telling the truth? how far should trust go, how much should i believe... just of everyone.

how can you catch a liar? and how can you catch them if they never actually say something?
link2 comments|post comment

i've met someone hotter than you [Jan. 25th, 2006|12:43 pm]
[mood |pleasedpleased]
[music |none]

E.E. Cummings-when what hugs stopping earth than silent is

when what hugs stopping earth than silent is
more silent than more than much more is or
total sun oceaning than any this
tear jumping from each most least eye of star

and without was if minus and shall be
immeasurable happenless unnow
shuts more than open could that every tree
or than all life more death begins to grow

end's ending then these dolls of joy and grief
these recent memories of future dream
these perhaps who have lost their shadows if
which did not do the losing spectres mime

until out of merely not nothing comes
only one snowflake
and we speak our names
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Jan. 22nd, 2006|04:51 pm]
[mood |tiredstill tired]
[music |still my brother's gamecube]

oh damnit, didn't post pictures in 2 posts already! so here i'm updating, lol...

PS steve, chris, i developed the pictures of Bracebridge and the cottage and i gotta say, you guys look hot! lol, serious tho, the pics are really cool.. you'll love them when you get here steve:D(and chris!) only 3 weeks left...

the cutest kids in the world... Fay(4) and Lars(2) <3,  babysitting...


uhm okay so my 2 best friends shaved their heads... what do i say to that?! well, it's... different. yeah. Different.

i love this picture of Blaise and Heither:D it's sooo cute... i miss them!



okay. That's it for today.

link2 comments|post comment

the art of losing is not hard to master [Jan. 22nd, 2006|04:43 pm]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |my brother's gamecube.. some fighting game]

i heard these two poems in a movie.. movie wasn't that good, but i like the poems..
especially One art

Elizabeth Bishop-one art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

E.E Cummings-in spite of everything

in spite of everything
which breathes and moves,since Doom
(with white longest hands
neatening each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds

-before leaving my room
i turn,and(stooping
through the morning)kiss
this pillow,dear
where our heads lived and were.

E.E. Cummings-i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
anywhere i go you go
my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling
i fear
not fate
for you are my fate,my sweet
i want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart

and more of my new hero..

E.E. Cumming- now i lay(with everywhere around)

Now i lay(with everywhere around)
me(the great dim deep sound
of rain;and of always and of nowhere)and
what a gently welcoming darkestness--

now i lay me down(in a most steep
more than music)feeling that sunlight is
(life and day are)only loaned:whereas
night is given(night and death and the rain

are given;and given is how beautifully snow)

now i lay me down to dream of(nothing
i or any somebody or you
can begin to begin to imagine)

something which nobody may keep.
now i lay me down to dream of Spring
linkpost comment

Cause what u did to my heart thats an act of war [Jan. 18th, 2006|10:01 pm]
[mood |crushedcrushed]
[music |can't breathe-tanya stephans]

IT said i was never his girlfriend, but just a friend he could share secrets with
IT said i was never his girlfriend, but just a friend he could share secrets with
IT said i was never his girlfriend, but just a friend he could share secrets with
IT said i was never his girlfriend, but just a friend he could share secrets with
IT said i was never his girlfriend, but just a friend he could share secrets with

IT said he just wanted to see what it was like, dating a girl from Amsterdam, cause he never did it before
IT said he just wanted to see what it was like, dating a girl from Amsterdam, cause he never did it before
IT said he just wanted to see what it was like, dating a girl from Amsterdam, cause he never did it before
IT said he just wanted to see what it was like, dating a girl from Amsterdam, cause he never did it before
IT said he just wanted to see what it was like, dating a girl from Amsterdam, cause he never did it before

IT said he never actually lied,he admits he exaggerated some of the things he meant and said.. but lying? nooo
IT said he never actually lied,  he admits he exaggerated some of the things he meant and said.. but lying? nooo
IT said he never actually lied,  he admits he exaggerated some of the things he meant and said.. but lying? nooo
IT said he never actually lied, he admits he exaggerated some of the things he meant and said.. but lying? nooo
IT said he never actually lied,  he admits he exaggerated some of the things he meant and said.. but lying?nooo




I'm like a ball... A ball that was lifted to the top of a hill. By a certain guy, of course. And the ball looked over the world and thought, yeah, this is life, total bliss right there in my arms. But then the guy kicked the ball down the hill. It bounced, and bounced, all the way down, till it hit rock bottom. That was yesterday.

Today the guy gave the ball just another extra kick. The ball didn't know there was a hole in the ground, she didn't see. She fell into it, because the guy kicked her. It was worse than ever. That was today.


Usually me woulda say good bye and I wish you well
but not to you, I hope your life turns out to be hell
bet you think I want you to die but no, I want you to live
and suffer and cry like I did
I'm just keepin it real. Ah jus so meh feel


ps. i love you guys... when ppl heard what happend, they were just so good to me and they showed me what real friends are.. and what honesty is...and i wanna thank you guys so much for that, you're the best and i'll come back for you guys only! i miss you guys so much...

(oh yeah and to kick his ass lol)

link6 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]