||[May. 27th, 2006|09:59 pm]
|||||missy higgins im all for believing||]|
wow this week has been weird. i had this big -fuck-i-miss-you-guys-attack. It was actually, very good. ill be honest, i havnt thought about all of you a lot lately. there has been a lot on my mind, especially with my parents.. i think no one of you really knows about this except steve.. it was, well, very bad. i was about to just run away and never come back, because they kept forbidding me things that made no sense such as: -no computer, -no phone(as in, hand in your cellphone!) -no work, -no friends in the house, and never you to friends, - no sitting in your room including boyfriend: and later it even became: no more boyfriend in the house, and youre not going over there either.
wow so yeah i was having major i hate you forever period. same for them. my mom said i wasnt her child and that she raised a bitch and all that, and that she wished i never went to canada cause apparantly it chanched me forever. fuck. canada was about the happiest period in my life. and then it all calmed down a bit and i talked to my parents. right now, im very good with my dad, truelly, we are reasonable and friendly and communicative. my mom... well it s still a mess. she said she was leaving the house and wanted to live on her own because she hated me so much and because i was all the pain in her life. and maybe still am. i don't know, but she is not leaving anymore. she is just ignoring me which is a little weird but whatever...
And other than that im still happy and in loove with my boyfriend. yay:D i really feel good around him, he is safe and honest. i dont think there's anyone who makes me more blissfull than he does.. i can be me around him, and he makes me feel beautiful and loved, and i love giving him the same feeling, i love telling him how im fascinated with his smile and his eyes, and the skin on his back, and his thoughts and his voice. i respect him for his way of thinking, which is completely different from mine, but always so much smarter. as in.. if i do something i want to, i just do it and honestly dont think a second about any consequences, about anything that could happen or go wrong. i just do it because i feel like it... and with this im getting myself in a lot of unnesecarry troubles. and whenever im with him, he can make me see the other side. he shows me how it could also be, and this always makes total sense but i just didnt thought of it! and his stories and thoughts and fears interest me and make me wanting to understand everything about him. and when i dont see him i really miss him around, i cant get him off my mind and its wonderful, i love spending a whole day doing nothing but looking at his pictures. now after 4 months, im really attached to him. (i mean, with jake i was attached faster than i should have been, because it hurted me in the end.. and then with wieger it is a little scary, i dont wanted to get hurt so badly again.) and i trust him in not hurting my feelings. i hope he never can so as jake did.. i dont think he will. the difference is that jake never cared about me and i think wieger does.. but why am i even comparing them? thank god they have nothing to do with eachother and are not alike in any point, lol.
so yeah i cleaned my room and run through all this stuff of canada,( the 'canada'-drawer,lol) and i felt this hollow feeling inside. a little miserable, sad, empty. it's too long ago to remember someones laugh, and that makes me sad. it went exactly as i thought it would, slowly fading away, and only the fact that i KNOW it was awesome makes me try to remember and catch some of the good stuff that i went through. and the feeling that i have everyone in my heart, makes me holding on to you all. and it;s good... its not as heavy as it was.. before christmas i didnt wanted to be where i was. and that, is a terrible feeling, i hate it. i just wanted to go back SO badly, wow you cant even think about it. it's intense, lol. and now i can look back at it without pain, peacefully. just going through pictures i can see now that i left it behind me. it was a great time, the best, gold(lol steve, THIS PICTURE IS GOLD!) and looking back at it, it doesnt make me cry, but smile. because i know you'll always be in my heart, always. and even if i never see you again, which is most likely to happen, i want you all to know that there's someone at the other side of the world who is very tall and has red hair, who will always remember you with a good feeling, who will always capture you in her heart.
well enough of that.
i have to go to a movie, the da vinci code it is, (just came out here)
i miss you.